The patterns

​I had a very cool, powerful, and brief conversation with a mentor a few weeks ago that I am still integrating into my experience. 


We danced in the room for a minute before he asked how I was doing. And instead of blubbering about the way I was squabbling with myself, I said something about how I was experiencing the same pattern of imposter syndrome. He asked what I meant, and I replied with something like, 

"The typical pattern of the fall before the rise, or the fall after the rise - the difficult contraction before the expansion, drowning in imposter syndrome and wondering what the fudge I am doing. The typical and repetitive cycle I go through before I do big things.."

He paused and just calmly said...

"It doesn't have to, though. Right?"

I auto-replied. My nervous system just muttered out a "right" and then my body paused and said, "Wait, what?"

"It doesn't have to be like that, all the time. Does it? You are doing awesome Banana" 

Umm, excuse me sir. 

You just opened up a whole portal for me. Can you please hold my banana hat while I re-adjust? I lost my footing. 

This is only a few weeks ago but honestly, it's like decades in banana land. 

I have had a really awesome and powerfully progressive few weeks of being seen, of being active in the community, being able to empower artists, share space, provide space, create connections, rekindle old ones. I have placed my art, sold a little art, and connected with humans through my art. I have fallen in love, repetively with my art and it's process. 

I have been blessed to be told that I inspire, that my art makes a difference, that I am memorable. 

But those moments are matched with deep isolation and difficulty. What follows is big doubts and loneliness. These moments can lead to impulsive decisions that make it or break it for certain situations. 

These compact game-changing moments subside, and I spend days struggling in my head, in my confidence, in my abilities. I struggle with sales, I struggle with focus, and all of the foundation of belief in myself goes away. 

Sometimes, these moments lead to really beautiful art. 

Sometimes they lead to mass purges where I manically decide nothing is good enough and I just box up piles of art in my studio and find them a year later.

Sometimes, the struggle to sell art and put food on the table is really fricking hard. 

So what role does my mental health play when it comes to my art?

How does that affect my process and progress?
And is that magic man who cultivates creativity on to something here? Do I really have to go through this before and after each period of creative expansion?

I don't know. But I am here for it. 

And if you are too, I thank you. 

And thank you, Roy, for expanding my perspective on my muscle-memory contraction practices. 

Thank you for reading this far. 

Thank you for supporting my art and my journey in all of my facets. 

My vulnerability and ability to share some of the shadows in my journey is not something that every artist gets to experience. 

There are times when I need support more than others - when I need a cheerleader in my ear - a singing bird on my shoulder - a pat on the back, a thumbs up ------

any form of confirmation -

And this is one of those times. 

Thank you, I love you.